北京、双广 —— 要我怎么放得下广西你豪迈的山和艳美的江啊

没想到又这样一年就过去了。和过去的三、四年一样，跨年都不是在新加坡过的。和去年一样，跨年都是醉萌萌地到达新的一年——不一样的是2019年陪着我的是一群不太认识的朋友。12月30号从新到北京的飞机程，6个小时也一眼划过去。到了中国，见到了几个月没见的哥。去看了单立人的秀。有趣，所以在北京的最后一晚再去看了一场。笑到肚子翻跟斗啦。31号。在北京的第二天 。滑雪板。应该说是学滑雪板。算是成功吧，起码能不跌倒从一个坡顶滑下来。有趣点第二——在北京的不断挑战自我极限就这样不由自主地开始。。。

30号晚，其实。。。被哥拉去和朋友喝酒。不爱喝酒去club的我，也就硬着头皮，把打造出的假外向性格搬出来。一用就得顶个好几天。辛苦我了，真的。我最终疲倦无比的心。31号。跨年。也不算喝醉。感谢我天生的酒量。烧酒的味道。。。已经一年没尝到了。第一口喝下去就想起2018跨年一个人在韩国大学宿舍自己陪自己喝了一瓶过年。我。。。变了吧，被迫或别的。。。谁又能预料到一年过了我会在北京的某个bar被别人灌烧酒啊。。。世界，你真的转得好快，太快——连我自己都追不上自己，自己的生活我都难以消化 。喝完，倒数，唱K到天亮。回到家晕到床上。傍晚到北大的未名湖溜冰。

2号。新年的第二天。天坛、地坛、南锣鼓巷。终于有个歇下的时间。哥只有晚上约了朋友和我们一起走走。我有时间脱下外向的壳。做一下内向的自己，喜爱沉浸在文化历史的书呆子。中国真的。。。让我落下下巴地惊叹。一个城市的历史、天气结合的傲美也就安定地待着我们去欣赏。南锣鼓巷的奇特我让我想起我怀念的弘大(首尔，韩国)。那里的清吧让我享受了这城市的性格和毫无人知的平静。觉得这是只有大城市能研制出的味道吧。在一个繁忙的地方才能体味到音乐家、艺术家为了刻出一小块宁静而酿出的黯然及潇洒。

其余的几天——打麻将，外卖，艺术馆，单立人。吃了一大堆奇奇怪怪的东西。包括猪脑。比想象中能接受——我也算是个亚洲人了吧，什么都放进嘴巴里。打麻将的最后一次，万子一直跟随着我，但却总是胡不了。也许是个2019年的余头吧，万都追上了但不要被闪闪亮紫的它给迷惑。真的与丸万字有相连的。。。应该是个提醒：万事行中愉悦就好吧，心中认知有赢又输的可能性，有时候把成功的喜悦造送给别人也能得到另类的快乐——也不忘得万万注意奔驰中要照顾周边的人植事物，盲目追求不比做中取乐更幸福。

4号晚，5号晨。没想到起初认识的朋友就渐渐了解，变得更亲。后来的舍不得也是我没预料到的。最后一晚拍的Polaroid照片也因此变得更珍贵吧 。一起分享生活的烦恼，未来的计划，人生观念——应该说是和不合通的人做不到的奇异事。。。算是有缘人的相遇，让我这个本来不容易不爱让人靠近的人交了几个好朋友。这也是到了北京遇到的挑战之一——也是我一直无法跨出的难境——就算渗浸在自己内向世界里，也得拔出勇气踏出门，让自己感受着世界出乎意料的温暖。内向的自己害怕与人接触，甚至讨厌互动，但每一次让自己走出舒服独自的泡泡时，都会发现其实并没有想象中厌烦或恐怖——算是我这一生纠缠不断地内心战斗。。。

5号。飞往广州。开始了双广之旅。和家人共旅感觉的确不一样。尤其是和父母，加上年长的爷爷。团中第二最小年纪的就是我啦。比我小的只有个20月大的小孩了。23岁的我也就在那8天里被称“妹妹”。。。看上去30几岁的领队和导游也这么叫我。。。啊。。。奇怪。但我也就接受啦。。。应该是因为爸妈把我和哥分别称兄妹叫，造成每个人把”妹“的label贴我头上，甩也甩不掉。

这一游。。。让我观赏到了广西的艳丽——真的是有种踏出平凡世界，一种梦境，仙界的感觉。下雨后，雾云弥漫的桂林阳朔，和我到尼泊尔的山景相比，完全不同。无与伦比的风情，也算属于广西了吧，在我心中。”山水“两个字，就不由自主地把桂林阳朔的风景附上去。提了还是要再提：桂林山水甲天下，阳朔山水甲桂林。雨后漓江、桂林，烟雨迷茫的环境，真让人难以忘怀。写着写着，就不经意地想起导游的重重有趣故事和讲解。没有小李带队。。。我的经验应该大有不同吧。每天各个易记的段子：

听到，看到，学到，就是赚到。
早到，晚到，早晚会到。
多吃，少吃，多少要吃。

分享了他到中国各地的故事——他从成都骑单车到西藏的经历，让我想起了自己到泥泊尔爬山的时候。那种感动，成就感。。。比骄傲更激烈的是种被世界、山的美所震撼。自己如此渺小，却又愉悦能感受到世界的庞大。我有一天。。。也要走出那千里的路吧。。。一个对自己的承诺。挑战人生，给自己一个机会抛掉杂杂虚虚的念头——找出属于自己的平静。我相信只有一直走到世界的各个角落，发现她无限广大，才能认出自己的微小——自己能学到的其实那么那么多。社会中所谓的约束，只不过是人造的手铐监禁。逃出这些，不让社会扼住脖子生活其实太简单。勒住自己的是自己的一双手。只要自己情愿呼吸一下外边的空气，双手松开就行了。山上的空气。。。是买不下来的清新疗愈。

回到了新加坡。热。但又不会太想念广西的湿冷。看了手机拍下的照片，默默决定某天。。。未来的某天，一定返回桂林走一趟。那种逍遥无比的山腰。。。真的不必到西方国家就能观赏。广西的山水弥漫着亚洲东方的娇丽，艳美——我都还没完全消化完唉。。。江边，湖边的清爽，在新加坡是无法享受到所以感到可惜，珍贵。肇庆的休闲，回国就是种奢侈，一种前也买不到的环境生活——让我觉得到那里过个几年也不错。

我这定不下的心。。。也就等待着下一站抵达。这一旅，就走了14天。。。我确确实实地感受到了不一样的北京、双广。广州的忙碌赢不过广西的美，也许因为我渴望的就是漓江边的豪迈山区。总有一天吧。。。回返广西看看，走走，饮茶，写首诗——和中国画家一般，等待着雨后桂林的艳景。

这次旅程最长听的是赵雷的《成都》和《再见北京》——因为他歌词就写出了我对各个城市的眷恋吧（不管是首尔，新加坡，桂林。。。——能让人动心的地方。。。总是自私地偷走我们心的一块，让我们在离开时抱着无法填满的空虚感。但这可能是我多情吧，对城市、地方，总有种投入。。。太深。。。太深切地感受周边的一切。赵雷唱着：

如果我真的哭了，是舍不得北京
带不走在这个城市我留下的的心
离开的人们是否和我一个心情
北京 我动了真情

我也就能这样带着一颗被强迫切割的心离开中国，念望着广西如画如仙的山水。我曾说过，我对新加坡和对韩国的喜爱是不同的一份心。对中国也是不同的一份情。去过的地方，很多。但有些地方和我搭不上，如：泰国。。。东京也与我保持个距离感。但广西啊。。。等着我回去吧。。。就这样爱上了。。。飘如梦般的地方。。。

下一站，哈尔滨。还真会冻死我嘞。。。

xoxo

2018

Writing end-of-year always feels strange, because somehow the second half constantly seems more real than the first. I’m always thankful for my handy-dandy scheduler. 2018 started off with sadness at leaving Korea behind. My flight to Singapore was a day before Giriboy’s concert – what a bummer, especially since he announced the dates a day after I reluctantly bought my return flight. But returning to Singapore has its perks – four months without Singapore food is truly, truly one of the most painful things in the world. I have repeated to so many people that one of the only reasons why I would never really leave Singapore is because of the food – its multicultural nature hits so real that no other government campaigns are necessary to make me want to preserve this city’s diversity.

Even as I try hard to pick out significant moments from the first half of 2018, it seemed to have just floated by… with friends spread about the globe and focused on personal commitments. RC life has finally lost its glitz and glamour, and perhaps returning from Korea really changed my perspective. I can feel myself becoming more grounded with myself, and more accepting of uncertainty – truly so, rather than merely repeating it to convince myself to be so.

The definition of family takes its own turn after exchange – being away really shifts one’s attitudes. Tenuous as my relationship with family might have been, I have to say that staying alone really made me become more assured of my own footing and by extension more willing to accept a reality of how things have settled to be. Emotional management becomes more internally reasoned than externally expressed – though personal struggles with self-confidence and an unstable future come and pass like the tides. I feel… I’ll never really be able to remove these worries, but I’ve come to realise it’s possible to learn how to ease them about in my head.

Reconnected with friends, which is always a comforting, though exhausting experience for me – social energies run low. And I learn true friends are those that understand your decisions to preserve personal well-being.

As mid-year approached, signed up for more jobs to roll in some cash – holding my dreams of returning to Korea and travelling to China post-graduation close to heart. Working for AS7’s Research Nexus was… an enlightening experience. I realise the more jobs I take up, the more I discover the things I do not want to do for the rest of my life – i.e. an office job. Interestingly enough, I spoke to friends about this, and there are people who do find office jobs alright – it really is a difference in attitudes – earning money to do what you want vs doing what you want while earning money (in sum).

Helping out with a friend’s travel start-up was also another experience in and of itself – what a world we live in! Entrepreneurship is really round the corner, and the 21st century has gifted us truly with opportunity. Writing, however, compounds in its complex relationship with me – the more I have to write, the more writing becomes unnatural, distanced.

Of happy news – I become a Seoulbeats editor, removing one writing duty – and then I realised writing is much easier than mentoring and guiding. Also Book Club editorial duties helped me reach the same conclusion.

And so I rolled into Summer with a new bunch of duties, and 2018’s Summer was in its own way life-changing. Headed to Taiwan mid-May and then to Malaysia for a short Summer programme in July (wrote about this in an earlier post). Taiwan remains ever gorgeous, growing increasingly familiar with each visit. Only left that single promise to a friend to visit her in Tainan after graduation. Started learning how to drive – and discovered the joy of learning a new skill – and now I’ve got my driving license even though I need tons more practise.

The most striking change would probably be this wave of lifestyle change that swept over my head in Summer – I started having a get healthy Summer plan. So that meant exercising regularly and eating healthily – fell in love with homecooked food, food that I had not appreciated in my years living in RC and time abroad. Started seeing the value of packed lunches and moderating eating outside. Went back to eating more fruits and cutting down on snacking. Slowly turning into an aunty as I start buying groceries and having the prices of items engraved in my head. Cooking becomes more of a joy, even though it is a hassle. Getting comfortable with being alone and myself.

Scrambled into semester 2 with the determination to eat only homecooked meals and I succeeded! Summer also entailed preparing for Honours Thesis – which was itself a whirlwind ride (and enjoyable one nonetheless). It was a semester juggling thesis, a level 5000 module, and a level 4000 module. I think I deserve a pat on the back – towards the end of the semester, my brain was just a messy fog and a wreck. Still had driving lessons twice a week thrown into the mix, Seoulbeats commitments, and work at the Research Nexus. I wonder how I survived, but I did.

Thesis deserves a special mention – because even though I did less well than I expected, even reading it again, I feel like I reached a level of enlightenment within myself about my relationship with Singapore’s spaces and urban areas as a whole. Writing a paper on entropic decay, urban geography, and literature is a roller coaster ride – and I am never too articulate when it comes to dealing with Singapore’s creative productions. There are always too much emotions and complicated notions entangled with each piece of work. But I still love what I wrote, and I still feel fascinated by my own words:

The very nature of the city-state as an organic entity indicates that it can never truly avoid some degree of entropic collapse, and labour is necessary to keep the city-state’s industry functioning. The crux of the matter is to find ways of importing energies and redirecting loss into more manageable forms—where the government has to recognise itself as equally being an inhabitant of the city-state like its citizens, and necessarily has to recognise the limits of its grasp over the city-state…The constraints of space make material building a tricky issue, where creativity and spontaneity is confined by such a tenuous situation that constantly demands strict management and planning. Creativity and imagination, hence, has to be activated differently in recognising the potential for rigid infrastructures to accommodate shifting meanings… Even as governing bodies constantly push for progress, literary texts about Singapore and Hong Kong indicate that perhaps it is also time for governments to recognise themselves as inhabitants rather than dictators of city-states: they must come to yield complete control over the city-state’s infrastructure, allowing for a more dynamical use of space. A governing body’s compromise makes room for cultivating a citizenry’s imaginative capacity, one that is necessary to constantly revitalise spaces that have been deadened by the day to day routines of labour.

Such beautiful realisations that I would not have come to perhaps without those many days and nights of plagued thoughts, even while having my morning runs and evening showers.

I appreciated my decision to sleep early and wake up early – a routine and habit that has since been cultivated. I admire this city’s quiet streets pre-sunrise and watching the fogs in the morning around UTown and Singapore Polytechnic.

Presented Shifting Concretes for CAPTISS, and realised many younglings really want to make a change in Singapore – go forth! Also exchanged meaningful conversations with other project-doers. Heartened to see how we all care to make change in our own ways. Realised my obsession with space started a long time ago – looking back on the essays I’ve written since Year 1… space really finds its way into almost every other assignment.

The Substation’s Cities Change. People Die. Everything You Know Goes Away. also struck deep in me about the situation of Singapore’s urbanity and the sacrifices we have to make as city inhabitants. “Going, Going, Gone…???” as part of Sub After Dark (SAD) was a blast – I guess I’ll be looking for 歌台 (getai) performances to watch this lunar seventh month. Engaging with heritage and culture, tradition remains a strange and eye-opening act for me – someone who is supposed to be convinced of a pristine modernity, where history is often reproduced as consumable tidbits. A feat to connect with its most grounded forms – and a continued strive to pursue!

Invested in film cameras and film to explore new ways of seeing and creating, of expressing – still trying to master it; I am slowly unravelling its charm.

And then I scrambled into 2019 by taking a flight to Beijing to look for my brother before heading to Guangzhou and Guangxi for a tour with the family. Planning to do a separate post on it, so there’s that – probably in Mandarin too. But all I can say is Guangxi is a true beauty. China continues to fascinate and charm, slowly breaking my preconceptions while filling my heart with joy and stomach with tons of good food.

It was an unexpected two weeks, and I’ve surprisingly made friends. A short 14 days, but the level of emotional turbulence when being thrown into a new environment and having to go around socialising with my brother’s friends – what a personal feat for my poor, ol’ introverted self. Too much alcohol for a year (though New Year is the only time I really do drink, after quitting while in Korea) – and that’s probably it for 2019’s alcohol quota.

Finally reaching the artsy fartsy recap of 2018 – especially music. Literary wise, William Carlos Williams was a joy to discover during my 20th Century Literary Production module. Xu Xi’s “Dear Hong Kong” will forever be precious to me. 《那些杀死你的都并不致命》was also an enlightening read. And as usual, I will run into 2019 hoping to read more of Kim Young-ha’s books, as well as more Singaporean writers.

I started collating monthly playlists somewhere in March, and I’m glad to have heard the thoughts of so many friends who pitched their songs over. I left out October’s and stopped there because of academic workload, so that’s going to go up soon too. I believe that a person’s artistic/musical preferences really reveal some part of who they are – and the interpretative phrases of each month did help me better know these friends, albeit just silently observing on my part. What a joy, nonetheless, to share good music.

Special mention of the film 《一念無明》which made me contemplate what it means to be ostracised and the persistency of biases reinforced in society. It was heartbreaking but a good kind of heartbreaking – and 10/10 worth a watch if you want to feel pensive. Also, 《后来的我们》has a gorgeous script – my heart is yelling so much for it. Sigh.

Songs of 2019 would include stuff like Kang Seung-yoon’s “You,” Day6’s Shoot Me Part 1: Youth album, Han Yo Han’s “1.2GB,” Nucksal’s “팔지 않아” (NFS), Giriboy’s “Hikkikomori,” 茄子蛋’s “浪子回头,” and more. My revived obsession with Jay Chou as well that I wrote an article about him (gosh) – but yes, he is still phenomenal. And then I found 赵雷 – leaving me all sighs for “成都” and “再见北京” – because really, who could write such gorgeous lyrics about a city.

At this particular moment, I’m still reeling from returning from China – after all, I had the pleasure of soaking in the cooling (and at times freezing) weather and all those mountains. 2019 feels unsure, but also reassuring that its uncertainty will allow for possibility and opportunity. I am expectant, fearful, tremendously glad at such a mix of feelings. I am prepared to sprint beyond graduation and a mind-crushing perspective of university education. This is only one portion of life that will pass and then it’s time to pack those bags and head out into a marvellously vast world! I will say to the rest of the world and those gorgeous mountains, Wait for me! I’m coming real soon!

xoxo

the things that make us think about home

I didn't expect to be so affected by this playlist -- I mean, I made the theme about "home" only because it was so close to National Day -- but somehow, even as I found it funny that some sections of the playlist sounds super "NDP," I had goosebumps listening to these songs about Singapore.

Of course, it remains immensely interesting to see different people from different cultures and countries recommend different songs -- which just goes to show home cannot truly be represented in a single form, resonating so very diversely from person to person. Yet, the ones that continue to worm their way into my heart remains to be all these songs that I have left behind in my years of childhood. I realised I hadn't heard Kit Chan's "There's No Place I'd Rather Be" or "城里的月光” or "小人物的心声“ for so many years, but the moment the song begins, all the lyrics start flooding in. And it's fascinating how there are no specific memories tied to these songs, not like ”我们之间" (batch song from the good ol' DHS days) -- they merely are (songs that remind me of Singapore, or home).

There was no defining moment of change, but rather a process of realisation -- that Singapore is a place I never really want to leave behind forever. We make choices, and as I grew older, it became clear that I loved this place for its hybridity, and the understandings/compromises we all make while learning to live with it. I used to want to go to the UK (home of English Literature, right?), but I left that behind for Singapore Literature so easily. Because the stories about far away places are always more imaginative constructs rather than the fusion of real-life impressions with the imagination that I can fin din SingLit. There are stories that are amazing, indeed, but there are also stories that are wonderous because from its very start, it begins with your self within its world -- and I think we all find this experience in different pieces of local (depending on where you're from) art/works.

I forgot about writing on my Summer School to Malaysia (University of Nottingham), and some of the intense feelings associated with the trip have dissipated. But I always notice the nature of being away from a place I consider precious to me -- in it's own way, definitely, of being considered "home" to me. Singapore always, always, occupies a position of strangeness for me -- eternally because as much as I treasure it, the spurts of desire to escape from it recur. And each time I'm away, I realise how crucial returning is to me.

The same when I was in Malaysia, but of course, I had the privilege (?) of being from a country just across the causeway. Nothing was really awe-inspiring. To be honest, I wasn't exactly feeling sociable or wanting to explore with the bright-eyed foreign students from far away -- having to explain culture is exceedingly tiring, and I didn't want to deal with being on the receiving end of generalisations and being exoticised. But I did come to a realisation about something from a year or two ago about what Singapore and Malaysia means to the individual living in Singapore.

My friend, Malaysian parents but living in Singapore, once told me -- he didn't really feel any difference between Singapore and Malaysia. He had spent a few years of his childhood in Malaysia before moving to Singapore, and the two countries were both comfortable for him. To that I replied -- that is the case for you, but for someone like me (who was born and has lived in Singapore for my whole life), Malaysia is a foreign place to me. I cannot see Malaysia in the same way as he did. Malaysia was not exactly comfortable, and stepping into Johor Bahru still feels unfamiliar, displacing.

But my Summer trip changed my perspective -- Malaysia became so easily comfortable to navigate, un-frightening simply because of its regional similarities -- from the food, to the languages used, and even the mobile apps available. It was so easy to place myself outside of the label of "clueless foreigner" simply by being Singaporean. When I spoke to my Malaysian friends, I did notice the differences -- especially when talking about currency exchanges, affordability of things -- but the disparity hardly popped up when speaking about preferences, habits. And I recalled the conversation I had, as mentioned above.

it really is about circles of inclusion, and exclusion, huh -- something I can't help but end up concluding.

With every piece of writing I wrote there under my creative writing course -- the amount of explanations that went into laying out cultural contexts, relatable only to my Filipino professor but not my classmates from Europe or China, made all these divergences in knowledge so prominent. Especially also because of the (oftentimes) lack of interest I received in return about culture, but also the ease at which we, Asian studdents, could so easily imagine a Western/European story setting -- but what really does an Asian setting look like? A Southeast Asian setting?

The more I type, the more I feel a frown starting to crease my forehead. So I'm going to stop and return to the playlist. Home, Singapore, means so much to me, and it remains so eternally precious despite its many barriers and flaws -- I want so many more people to love it, but it is also so hard to make happen. For all my non-Singaporean friends who tell me they love Singapore, thank you and thank you a million -- here's the playlist of things that make us think about home.

(in order I received these replies
title; artist)
(spotify playlist at the end)

稻香 -- 周杰伦
Home -- Kit Chan
城里的月光 -- 许美静
细水长流 -- 梁文福，刘瑞政，王邦吉
麻雀街竹枝 -- 梁文福
Take Me Home, Country Roads -- John Denver
Wuthering Heights -- Kate Bush
There's No Place I'd Rather Be -- Kit Chan
我的生活在这里 -- 吴佳明
Fried Rice Paradise -- Dick Lee
Bunya Sayang --  Rahimah Rahim, composed by Dick Lee -- only available on YouTube -- x
Munnaeru Vaalibaa -- only available on YouTube -- x
Chan Mali Chan -- only available on YouTube -- x
Di Tanjong Katong -- Frances Yip
Shelter -- Porter Robinson
落叶归根 -- 王力宏 -- (only the live version was on Spotify, original via YouTube -- x)
我问天 -- 翁立友 (only 蔡明过 版本 on Spotify, original via YouTube -- x)
等我回家 -- 薛之谦
我们之间 -- 棒棒糖 (only the 棒棒糖 F live version was on Spotify, original via YouTube -- x)
Seattle -- Sam Kim
Midsummer Madness -- 88rising, ft. Joji, Rich Brian, Higher Brothers, AUGUST 08
93 Million Miles -- Jason Mraz
누군가 필요해 (I Need Somebody) -- Day6
End of the Day -- One Direction
사라지지 말아요 -- 디어클라우드나인 -- only available on YouTube -- x
In My Room -- SHINee -- only available on YouTube -- x
拥抱 -- 五月天
붉은 노을 (Sunset Glow) -- Big Bang
小人物的心声 -- 巫启贤 (插班生 版本 -- x)
歌谣 -- 李荣浩
Paris 12 -- Linying
那些年 -- 胡夏
十年 -- 陈奕迅
겨울이 간다 (Goodbye Winter) -- Day6

xoxo

grooving on cloud nine

a turn of mood!

grooves are always nice, but you've got be in a certain mood to want such a playlist -- which is why I delayed compiling this list -- in favour of calmer melodies -- which is fine, of course.

well, anyway, here you guys go -- if you wanna feel the ~ swag ~

also, I'm in malaysia, kuala lumpur, for a two-point-five week summer school -- will post reflections soon (oh my a legit post after so long!) -- being away does make for many thoughts, as usual

(in order I received these replies
title; artist)
(spotify playlist at the end)

지나쳐 (Too Much) -- Loco (로꼬), Dean
허쉬 (Hush) -- Primary (프라이머리), JB (GOT7)
SMT (So Many Times) -- 페노메코 (Penomeco)
Joy -- FKJ
Me & You -- Honne, Tom Misch
What Do I Know? -- Ed Sheeran
Glorious -- Macklemore, Skylar Grey
She's In Love -- Original Broadway Cast - The Little Mermaid
Make Me Feel -- Janelle Monáe
Flores en Febrero -- Los Claxons
Feeling Good -- Day6
White T-shirt -- 종현 (샤이니)(Jonghyun (SHINee))
Forever Young -- BLACKPINK
Mic Drop (Steve Aoki Remix) -- BTS (방탄소년단), Desiigner, Steve Aoki
BOSS -- NCT U
Experience -- 태민 (샤이니)(Taemin (SHINee))
Airplane -- f(x)
I Took A Pill In Ibiza (Seeb Remix) -- Mike Posner, Seeb
Unstoppable (FKJ Remix) -- Lianne La Havas
Love Like That -- LambC
Chasing Fire -- Lauv
Heart -- Plini
anemone -- slenderbodies
Night Fog -- mabanua, Achico
Energetic -- Wanna One
Teenager -- GOT7
All About You -- Dragon Pig, Cnballer
뿜뿜 (Bboom Bboom) -- MOMOLAND (모모랜드)
O-o-h Child -- The Five Stairsteps
Hooked on a Feeling -- Blue Swede, Björn Skifs
Just Right -- Tessa Violet
Sunday Morning -- Maroon 5
아 왜 (I Wait) -- Day6

xoxo

soft sunshine in early mornings

wanted to put together a playlist like that because it's Summer, and being undergrads, nobody has a truly fun Summer... EEKS...

here's for those early mornings heading to internships or work or whatever it is you might be doing -- onwards towards peaceful mornings and beautiful days

well, I procrastinated typing this out but here you go

(in order I received these replies
title; artist)
(spotify playlist at the end)

Love Yourself -- Justin Bieber
이 지금 (Dlwlrma) -- IU (아이유)
Love Sick -- SHINee (샤이니)
여행 (Travel) -- 볼빨간사춘기 (Bolbbalgan4)
Air -- WINNER
종은걸 뭐 어떻게 (What Can I Do) -- Day6
Drew Barrymore -- SZA
Would You Like To Take A Walk -- She & Him
Castle On The Hill -- Maygen Lacey Ed Sheeran cover
Can't Stop The Feeling! -- Justin Timberlake
Delicate -- Taylor Swift
Still The One -- Ingrid Michaelson
Best Part -- Daniel Caesar, H.E.R
Ordinary Human -- One Republic
Wildflowers -- Tom Petty
All Will Be Well -- The Gabe Dixon Band
Choices -- Charlie Lim
Cold Coffee -- Ed Sheeran
Obvious Bicycle -- Vampire Weekend
hello hello -- Lewis Watson
I Love You Baby, I Love You Doll -- Parekh & Singh
New Light -- John Mayer
Easy -- Mac Ayres
Mama Don't Worry -- Sam Kim
Without You -- Oh Wonder
Everytime -- boy pablo
Lullaby -- Priscilla Ahn
Love Love Love -- Roy Kim  only available on YouTube -- x
The Show -- Lenka
93 Million Miles -- Jason Mraz
Hello World -- Lady Antebellum
Light Breaks In -- Charlie Lim
Clair de Lune -- Debussy
Sunrise -- Norah Jones
起风了-- 买辣椒也用卷  only available on YouTube -- x
Youth (DAY) -- 우효 (OOHYO)
Dawn -- Dario Marianelli
Liz On Top Of The World -- Dario Marianelli
Cambridge, 1963 -- Jóhann Jóhannsson
House of Woodcock -- Johnny Greenwood
Photograph -- Arcade Fire  only available on YouTube -- x
Symphony No. 2 Op. 27 III. Adagio -- Rachmaninoff
The Four Season's Recomposed: Spring -- Max Richter
Your Dog Loves You -- Colde, Crush
Nightwood -- Uyama Hiroto
알듯 말듯해 -- BTOB (비투비)  only available on YouTube -- x
네게 줄수 있는건 오직 사랑뿐 (I Can Only Give You Love ) -- DECEMBER  only available on YouTube -- x
함께 (Together) -- 노을 (Noel)
선 (45.7cm) -- 유승우 (Yoo Seung-woo), 우효 (OOHYO)
좋다고 말해 (Tell Me You Love Me) -- 볼빨간사춘기 (Bolbbalgan4)
예감 좋은 날 -- 공기남녀 (Airmangirl)
내일, 오늘 (Tomorrow, Today) -- JJ Project
Hi, Hello -- Day6
틈 (The Space Between) -- 소유 (So-you), 권순일 (Kwon Soon-il), 박용인 (어반자카파)(Park Yong-in of Urban Zakapa)

xoxo

monochrome rain showers

honestly, I wanted to collect groovier songs -- but it kept raining for no good reason the past few days and I went into this rainy songs mood... well, I am just surprised how nobody ever suggest repeated songs -- how wonderful to have so many songs in each of our own repertoires, is it not? ^^~

to good rainy days, with or without umbrellas

(in order I received these replies
title; artist)
(spotify playlist at the end)

매일 듣는 노래 (A Daily Song) -- 황치열 (Hwang Chi-yeol)
听见下雨的声音 -- 周杰伦
我爱过你 -- 周兴哲
如果雨之后 -- 周兴哲
You Are Me Sunshine -- The Civil Wars
Sweater Weather -- The Neighbourhood
Mercury -- Sufjan Stevens, James McAlister, Nico Muhly
No. 1 Party Anthem -- Arctic Monkeys
Lost Stars -- Adam Levine
Lady Gaga -- Million Reasons (acoustic)  only available on YouTube -- x
Love Will Set You Free -- Kodaline
给我一首歌的时间 -- 周杰伦
晴天 -- 周杰伦
Beth/Rest -- Bon Iver
Cool with You -- Her's
下雨天 -- 南拳妈妈
Turning Tables -- Adele
Yesterday -- The Beatles
The Valley -- Betty Who
St Jude -- Florence + The Machine
Ruby -- Foster The People
Fire Escape -- Foster The People
He Used To Be A Lovely Boy -- Keane
windows -- Lewis Watson
Writer In The Dark -- Lorde
Taxi -- SHAK, The Baits
1000 -- 종현 (Jonghyun)
The Story Never Ends -- Lauv
Already Gone -- Sleeping At Last
下雨天的夜晚 -- 苏打绿
All By Myself -- Celine Dion
여기까지 (For Now) -- 권진아 러브 샘김 (Kwon Jin-ah LOVE Sam Kim)
Stone Cold -- Demi Lovato
天黑黑 (Cloudy Day) -- 로이킴 (Roy Kim)
In The Arms Of An Angel -- Sarah Mclachlan
Amnesia - 5 Seconds of Summer
비도 오고 그래서 (You, Clouds, Rain) -- 헤이즈, 신용재 (Heize, Shin Yong Jae)
별 시 (别 時)(The Other Day) -- 박효신 (Park Hyo-shin)
High -- Jida, Rachel Lim
Rainy Days -- OneWay, 김준수/Jun.K of 2PM
Without You -- 2PM  only available on YouTube -- x
Paranoia Andriod -- Radiohead
落雨声 -- 江蕙
雨过天晴 -- 无印良品
Dancing in the Rain -- Rad Museum
HOW DO YOU FEEL? -- Yogee New Waves
愛を伝えたいだとか (I Want To Convey Love (?) )-- あいみょん (Aimyon)
Singin' in the Rain -- Mint Royale
Jet Pack Blues -- Fall Out Boy
소나기 (Sudden Shower) -- 용준형 X 십센치 (Yong Jun-hyung X 10CM)

xoxo

high places

it was interesting how "high places" was interpreted in various ways -- place, position, a state of mind -- nonetheless, immensely fruitful to see the variety of perspectives -- also, I'm always glad to be able to hear people through their music choices

this playlist seems heavier on the instruments -- a lot of band sounds, compared to the previous one -- which is great ~

(in order I received these replies
title; artist)
(spotify playlist at the end)

Burj Khalifa -- Epik High
Fly Me to the Moon -- Frank Sinatra  Olivia Ong cover
歷歷萬鄉 -- 陳粒  only available on YouTube -- x
My Silver Lining -- First Aid Kit
Kiss the Sky -- Shawn Lee's Ping Pong Orchestra
Carried Away -- Passion Pit
Lifted Up (1985) -- Passion Pit
Perfect Places -- Lorde
How Big How Blue How Beautiful -- Florence and the Machine
Empire State of Mind -- Jay-Z X Alicia Keys
24 Floors -- The Maine
天知道 -- 信
天高地厚 -- 信乐团
海阔天空 -- 信乐团
Very Loud -- Shout Out Louds
Kings and Queens -- Thirty Seconds to Mars
High and Dry -- Radiohead
The Call Of The Mountains -- Eluveitie
Highway to Hell -- ACDC
High Hopes -- Kodaline
A Little Braver -- New Empire
Have A Nice Day -- Bon Jovi
It's My Life -- Bon Jovi
The Astronaut -- Vian Izak
날개 (Feel So Fine) -- 태연 (Taeyeon)
Butterfly -- 방탄소년단 BTS
Rewrite The Stars -- Zac Efron X Zendaya
Defying Gravity -- from the Wicked musical
Electricity -- from the Billy Elliot musical
阿佤山 -- Chinese Orchestra piece -- only available on YouTube -- x
Something For Your M.I.N.D / Everybody Wants To Be Famous / Nobody Cares / Reflections On The Screen -- Superorganism  live at Halle de la Courrouze, only available on YouTube -- x

xoxo

on a rainy day

비가 내린 날 나 혼자 지하철을 타서 우리의 추억 속에서 도착했다.

On a rainy day, I got on the train alone and arrived in our memories.

xoxo

pastel melancholy

sent out a request for people to tell me what song(s) they think of that fits "pastel melancholy," and I got more responses than I expected -- which is always great
this has also been unexpectedly fun -- I'm loving the playlist -- and it also sounds as a really comforting playlist, so for all those who need some consolation!

the number of songs are still growing -- I will update as time goes by -- tell me how you feel about the playlist

there are so many dimensions of melancholy, and also of what pastel means -- that's really what i realised from listening to this playlist

anyway, here it is:

(in order I received these replies
title; artist)
(spotify playlist at the end)

Teen Idle -- Marina & the Diamonds 
Lady Bird -- Jon Brion
bellyache -- Billie Eilish
The Sound of Silence -- Simon & Garfunkel
Rainbow Connection -- Sleeping At Last
봄날 (Spring Day) -- 방탄소년단 BTS
Rivers And Roads -- The Head and the Heart
When I Left the Room -- Dan Auerbach
이런 엔딩 (Ending Scene) -- IU (아이유)
California Rain -- Betty Who
Somebody Else -- The 1975
6/10 -- dodie
Liability -- Lorde
知足 (Contentment) -- 五月天 (Mayday)
なんでもないや (Nandemonaiya) -- RADWIMPS
I Don't Get To Say I Love You Anymore -- Tessa Violet
What 2 Do -- Dean, Crush, Jeff Bernat
Best Part -- Daniel Caesar, H.E.R
Tuyo -- Javier Carderllino
To Be Alone With You -- Sufjan Stevens
Death With Dignity -- Sufjan Stevens
The Only Thing -- Sufjan Stevens
Mystery of Love -- Sufjan Stevens
Marry Me -- St. Vincent
Champagne Year -- St. Vincent
Happy Birthday, Johnny -- St. Vincent
유학생 (Foreign Student) -- OLNL (오내림)
Somebody That I Used To Know -- Gotye, Kimbra
Goodbye Kiss -- Lana Del Rey   Kasabian cover, only available on YouTube -- x
Wonderful Unknown -- Ingrid Michaelson
Open Hands -- Ingrid Michaelson
Some Kind Of Love -- The Killers
Have All The Songs Been Written? -- The Killers
Love -- Lana Del Rey
Angel By The Wings -- Sia
Deadwater -- Wet
Should Have Known Better -- Sufjan Stevens
Paper Hearts -- Tori Kelly
Prism -- SHINee (샤이니)
방백 (Aside) -- SHINee (샤이니)
별빛 바램 (Wish Upon a Star) -- SHINee (샤이니)
별빛이 피면 (Star Blossom) -- 도영 X 세정 (Do-young X Se-jeong)
Goodbye Summer - f(x), D.O.
And July -- 헤이즈 (Heize), Dean, DJ Friz
U R -- 태연 (Taeyeon)
Save Me -- 방탄소년단 BTS
나의 사춘기에게 (To My Youth) -- 볼빨간사춘기 (Bolbbalgan4)
Love in the Ice -- 동방신기 (DBSK)  only available on YouTube -- x
이름에게 (Dear Name) -- IU (아이유)
시간과 낙엽 (Time and Fallen Leaves) -- AKMU (Akdong Musician)
Dark Paradise -- Lana Del Rey
Neverland -- Zendaya
11 ° -- Minah (민아)
Run -- 방탄소년단 BTS
current location -- LANY
I Swear This Time I Mean It -- Mayday Parade
Calendar Girl -- Stars
TOMBOY -- Hyukoh (혁오)
Light Breaks In -- Charlie Lim
Two Birds -- Regina Spektor
Fish Tank -- Alright Gandhi
Love Will Leave You Cold -- Sin Fang, Sóley, Örvar Smárason
Erreur 404 -- L'impératrice
Bad Dream -- Sóley
Oats We Sow --Gregory and the Hawk
Poems Written by an Old (Prepared) Piano -- Christoph Berg
결혼 (Marriage) -- 문문 (MoonMoon)
You, The Ocean and Me -- Thalles
Sea of Love -- Cat Power
A 1000 Times -- Hamilton Leithauser + Rostam
걱정말아요 그대 (Don't Worry) -- 이적 (Lee Juck)
Big Picture -- London Grammar

xoxo

2017

A year feels like an eternity – an eternity of doing, experiencing, growing and leaving behind. 2017, as usual, starts off with not being in Singapore. Krabi was between the rush-hours of The Co-Op’s timeline, Korean lessons, and Seoulbeats duties (ones that have become routine these days). Oftentimes, I forget that many things I have done are only a year away from the present. Podcast fun with The Co-Op in Something To Say and Buzzbeats. A Common Ground was certainly a memory, and as it marked the end of The Co-Op, the door opened for Discipline the City.

The feeling of the world and time scuttling by like an elusive rat keeps plaguing me, but I remain thankful that it had been as busy as it had been. I wrote my first play, organised my own art project (albeit among a mess of crises, crumbling, and feelings of being lost), blabbered about music and entertainment as my heart felt… Things like these make me hate less the fact that I chose the road I chose. And I phrase it in this manner because I more than often question many things about wanting to be a creative.

Singapore’s art world continues to fascinate even as it can sometimes be intimidating. 画室 and Every Brilliant Thing are plays with very different personalities as local productions, but ones that I appreciate very much for existing – and of course, allowing me to exist in the same space with as an audience member and a participant.

And then I ran off to Korea, and missing out on the opening of Discipline the City – which I still lament now because I saw it a day before opening and The Substation’s repainted yellow walls but not the actual thing UGH. Anyway, Korea was a dream – in the sense that irreality is beautiful but also terrifying. If you know Alice in Wonderland well enough, you know that the world of dreams is not only rainbows and candies.

But it certainly was intriguing – too many exhibitions alone, and too many concerts too in the same manner. It matters less that I experienced this art world by myself, because I was very pleased with it nonetheless. Hamlet, The Great Play – both beautiful musical/theatre performances which sent my literature feelers tingling with excitement. Korea has also been very kind to my ears – it has given me much more gifts of music than I expected. Zandari Festa 2017 was a blast, and holding a press pass was something I had never dreamt of doing. I managed to witness the live performances of the people who inspire me greatly. Epik High, Giriboy (with Swings and Han Yo Han), Guckkasten, Day6, Wetter, Bad Romance, Crush…and also the numerous performers I chanced upon.

I never truly understood the importance/significance of being inspired by someone until meeting all these people. For those who have heard me gush about Giriboy, you realise my obsession with his aesthetics and his lyrics – how does someone create a world so consistent within itself that it makes no sense outside its borders? Is that not the artist’s dream? To create a sphere so unique to one’s art that only one has control over it? More than just the products themselves, many people have also mentioned this in relation to Giriboy – that he manages to stubbornly create whatever he wants, and on so frequent a basis that I wonder how someone has that much passion/energy. I wish everyone could understand and watch how he speaks about his album constructions/organisations/intents – but language is an eternal barrier. But I remain so fascinated by his existence as a creator.

And of course, this year was also Day6’s year of creation with their monthly projects, which deserves all the respect in the world because creating is a bitch and it is hard OKAY PEOPLE IT FKING SUCKS BALLS AND DRAINS THE LIFE OUT OF YOU. So, yeah, managing that year long project is crazy. Watching these people I admire dish out works after works really pushes me in working for what I want, but I am also lazy as heck with writing.

But I saw Giriboy live, and he was one arm’s length away from me on the stage, and he performed in front of me. And I went back home and typed more than I had typed/wrote in a year. I know not everyone has a favourite musician, or love music that much. But for those of you who do – the experience of watching someone who inspires you so much perform your favourite song in front of you is powerful beyond words – even though he did forget his lyrics to “성인”.

I’ve only told too many people after coming back from exchange that I love Korea differently from the way I love Singapore + sometimes there really are no reasons why we fall in love with a place, we just do. I love Hongdae especially because it figures as this beacon of youngsters chasing their dreams so fervently, at least in my eyes – they do so in a way Singapore does not. Well, of course, these are all personal opinions that matters to me, even if others might disagree or be disinterested in. And my lingering desire to return is tied to all these notions of being inspired and empowered.

Definitely, I love Korea for its food, the friends I’ve made and many other bits of everyday life. I’ve also said to others that I made more friends than I expected I would, now I can’t bear to leave. These are all true, and geographical distance is so annoying and unbridgeable at times… okay, most of the time. Coming back to Singapore, to NUS – I don’t want to say ordinary life kicks in, because life in Korea was also everyday life. To make such delineations would be to condemn Singapore in a way I don’t want to. I believe life here can also be engaging – I merely need to find more projects to excite myself with.

My end-of-year posts requires a year of music, so as per last year, I will run through some of the music that made a difference in my life. This year has mostly been The Maine in the first half, because of their concert in Singapore and their new album then. Songs like “The Sound of Reverie,” “Taxi,” “Don’t Come Down” were all so important. There was also The Rose’s “Sorry” and “좋았는데.” But out of all the albums I obsessively bought, I have to say Epik High’s We’ve Done Something Wonderful, Giriboy’s 졸업식 and Day6’s Sunrise + Moonrise were the most important. I left Korea thinking about Giriboy’s “Graduation” and especially Day6’s “겨울이 간다” because I was leaving on the coldest day of the week. It could not have been more apt, or more pensive. But recently I’ve fallen in love with the lyrics of “혼자야,” “I Loved You,” “누군가 필요해,” “Man in a Movie” (again), and “반드시 웃는다.” Also, Epik High’s “Us Against The World” really struck me about the process of growing up in ways that I am still trying to negotiate with – how time flies and we all become this sickening way with the world, though not necessarily bad, but that it just is – that youth is something that falls through our fingers too quickly. I’ll stick some of the lyrics with their translations in, but as we all know there will always be a slippage in the process of translation. SIGH.

In other news, too many people have been having existential crises since the start of the new semester. Sometimes I think I understand why I was drinking soju alone in my room while watching 射雕英雄传 on New Year’s Eve into 2018. Things I have said to people individually, or otherwise, but I feel everyone should know: people, growth is only evident in retrospect. It does seem like life is stagnant but as long as you continue making steps – regardless in what direction, you are growing. There are wrong paths, but they can also lead into right ones or themselves transform into right ones. After all, who is to say what is wrong or right. Also, not doing what you enjoy because you are scared of not being good enough is also a stupid excuse. There are many reasons for not doing something, like financial restraints, health etc., but being afraid in such a way is not. Well, of course, also that nobody really knows where they are headed so you’re not alone. Oh, I almost forgot the fact that you never know who you’ll inspire and as I’ve rambled on earlier, being an inspiration can be such an important thing. We are all growing in this world in our own ways, slowly, shakily, but indubitably so. All I’ve got to say at least to start this year, belatedly, but still…don’t let the people and things that don’t matter get to you. Stay fresh folks.

< 원래 예술네는 위험한 표현이라는것이 없다. >  -- Giriboy said this back in 2015, and it simply means -- originally, there are no dangerous expressions in art.

xoxo  

lyric board

P.S. I feel this year has been less sadness and more doing, which is great. But it also means more tired, more feelings of being lost. If I had to sum 2017 up, it certainly has been one that existed like a dream, and definitely a year of being inspired and finding solace in many people -- cool and fun and interesting ones. Goodbye 2017, a year that has been exceedingly kind to me even if I haven't been so to myself. It is also so telling, with how I wrote primarily about art and creating in this poast, that 2017 has really been dominated by a sense of searching for direction as a creator, a writer, or whatever it is that I am at this moment....